+ Episode Transcript

Thor Challgren 0:00
Welcome to the show. I'm so excited that you're here. In today's episode, I'm going to do a recap and debrief from the previous episode, which was my interview with Jill Magnante. If you haven't heard that interview yet, I encourage you to give it a listen, Jill is an empty nester herself and a 12th grade English teacher. So she has a unique point of view on how our students manage this transition into adulthood and how we, as parents can support them. In this episode, I'm going to share with you my top five takeaways from my conversation with Jill.

Thor Challgren 0:46
If you yourself are wanting to better manage this transition your life, maybe you want a little encouragement and support to discover what's next for you. That's something that I specialize in. I'm a certified life coach. And I work with parents just like you. So if you're in that season of life, I'd love to talk with you. So let's jump on a free call and talk about what's next for you. So you can go to discover.yourturntofly.com and schedule that free call. That's discover.yourturntofly.com.

Thor Challgren 1:24
Alright, so my first big takeaway in this interview was when I was talking with Jill and she said, after you buy the lottery ticket, you have to let it go. And that part of the conversation, we were talking about how one of her sons had applied to get into UCLA, which I guess anywhere in the country, but especially in California, is the most difficult school to get into based on the number of applications and the number of students they admit. So it is literally like a lottery ticket. You don't know if you're going to get in or not, you could have fantastic grades have done super well in school, and you just may not get in. So we're talking about that. And when Jill said when after you buy the lottery ticket, you have to let it go. I love that. Because the idea there is, it's great to have that dream. But once you've done everything you can to realize that dream, you have to let it go. It's out of your hands, you have to trust that whatever is meant to be for you. That's the path that you'll travel. This not only applies to our students and the choices they make and where they want to go. But I think it's also a great reminder for us that we put in the work, we have the dream that thing that we want. And then you have to let it go and trust that the journey that you're going to be on is where you'll go. So if you still have students at home, who are applying to college, I think this is a great reminder. So that was my first takeaway moment that I wanted to share.

Thor Challgren 3:02
The next was we were talking about some challenges that her sons had faced once they were off at college. And the point that Joe made and I love this was that the kids dreams are their dreams, and also their responsibility. She said when she was talking about one of her sons was considering changing his major. And she said something to the effect of we support you. And you have to make up your mind about what you have to do. I love that because a lot of times I think we are so used to as parents participating in that decision making process for them, especially getting into school and all the things that lead up to that, that it's easy for us to think that that is still our responsibility. But what I heard from Jill say in terms of how she looks at it is know the kids dreams are their dreams, it's their responsibility to make it happen. It's not an easy thing for us to do. Because a lot of times we still get caught up in wanting them to make what we think is the right decision the right way that we would do it. And we have to let them have that moment for them to be able to make the call to make the judgement to see how it turns out for them. The second story that she told about that was one of her sons had lost a flash drive that had a huge project on it that was due the next day. And you know, as you can imagine the son calls is like what do I do? And Jill had a conversation with him, gave him some suggestions but she also said put it kind of back on him and said what are you going to do about it meaning this is your responsibility to address and I think that goes along with it.

Thor Challgren 4:59
We're so used to solving their problems. And immediately we want to go into problem solving mode. And I'll never forget this. There are some times where you do have to step in. I had an instance one time where I dropped my daughter off to go back to college. And I got back in the car, I was heading home and I was on the freeway, maybe about half hour from the airport, and I got a call from her. And she was panicked. To put it mildly. She said that she was at the gate for her flight. And she suddenly realized that she had left her laptop at TSA. And her flight was about to leave, she didn't think she would have time to go back to TSA to figure out what happened to laptop, she was going to miss her flight. So she's in a real dilemma, right in that moment. So I did in that moment, help her get through that dilemma. And part of it was just talking her down and saying, Look, it'll be all right. Ultimately, what happened was I turned around, went back to the airport, and spent about an hour sort of advocating for her to get the laptop back, figure out how we could get it back. Fortunately, we did. And then I texted her, I guess, somewhere in the middle of her flight and said, Don't worry, I got it. But that was an instance where I think there are times that yes, you do step in. But if it hadn't been something on that level, I think it's certainly perfectly fine to say, what are you going to do about it. And that was kind of the the gist of what that part of the conversation with Jill was.

Thor Challgren 6:43
The third takeaway from our conversation was something that I love that she said, which was this, she said, there's not a time that goes by that my boys don't hear. I love you. You know, this is a challenging time for students, and there's so much pressure on them, or at least there can be pressure on them. Everything is new to them, they're starting out at this phase in their life. And they're unsure, like, I know, I don't live at home anymore. And I'm not part of that unit. But it's maybe easy for them to think that we're separating ourselves from them and, and that the love and support and encouragement they had at home that that's gone now. So this ability to say I love you, that is so huge, that support that you're giving them means so much, and they may not ask for it. They may not tell you that, hey, you know, I really wish that I heard that more often or you know how you used to say I love you and everything was going to be okay, like I missed that. They're not going to say that to you. And they may not have been thank you for it. They might not say you know how much it means to them. But the fact that you know that you did it, you'll have that satisfaction. And honestly, if that's how you feel, my view is tell them that because as Jill said, it makes such a huge difference. So I would encourage you that as they're gone, be unconditional with that don't put expectations on it like, well, if they don't say it back to me, I'm going to be mad and stuff. I mean, they've got enough on their mind. But if they just know that your love your support, your encouragement, there's no conditions on it. And it is something that's always there, that's going to make a huge difference to them.

Thor Challgren 8:34
The fourth point in our conversation that I really wanted to highlight was that in the last year or so there are challenges and disruptions that our kids have faced because of the pandemic. And we talked a little bit about how that's changed, and what it's done to them. And it's easy to look at that and kind of think, you know, man, all these things they've missed out on and then that's huge, to be sure. The things they didn't get to do the opportunities they didn't have, the peers they didn't get to see. So we can think about how all the things they're missing and all the challenges. And kind of what I talked about with Jill is wondering, are they going to be okay? And she made a point that I thought was so impactful, which was that if they have developed what she called soft skills, meaning the ability to communicate the ability to advocate to make choices, if they've done that they're going to be okay, and doesn't have to have been developed in the last year. That could be who they were over the last 10 years. So if you think back to all of their childhood, not just the last year but if they have those abilities, those soft skills, then you do took a job, and they're going to be fine. And no matter what happened in the last year, just trust that if they have that ability to communicate, if they have that ability to stand up for themselves to advocate for what they want for who they are, to be able to make good choices, then they're going to be fine.

Thor Challgren 10:22
The last point that I wanted to share was something that Joe said when we were talking about when life deals you maybe an unexpected challenge, where you didn't get into the school that you want it like what this is, we're talking a little bit about UCLA, how that's a lottery school, and what happens if you don't get into that school or that internship, or that first job out of college isn't what you imagined. And Jill said that life offers us a lot of paths that we didn't think we are going to go on. And it's not only true for our kids, but for ourselves as well, that we think our life's going to be a certain way, and then we go on a different path. And if it wasn't the one that we wanted, if it wasn't what we dreamed of, or what we thought we deserved. It's easy to stand in that spot. And think this isn't what I wanted, this isn't what I deserve. And what Jill said was, when you're in that kind of moment, she said, You need to bloom, where you're planted. You need to bloom where you're planted. Meaning no matter what circumstances you're in, you make the best of it, you thrive, despite the circumstances. And I love that because in life, our kids are not always going to land in the most fertile soil. They may be in a school where it's not their first choice, they may get a job out of college where it's not the perfect opportunity for them, or they're living in a place that's not the place they dreamed of. And you know what you could sit there and go, Oh, woe is me. This is I'm unhappy in this situation. And I loved that idea of, maybe you're not in the best soil, maybe you don't have the best sunlight or the best water, but you have to bloom.

Thor Challgren 12:34
And that idea of blooming doesn't just mean grow. It means you have to flourish, where you're planted. That despite all of the circumstances, the lack of soil, the lack of sunshine, the lack of water, despite all of that you are going to bloom where you're planted. Now, what a powerful lesson that was a goose bump moment for me and the entire conversation. And it's something I'm going to certainly take away in my life and always be looking for that place where I can bloom no matter what the circumstances. Well, those are my five takeaways from my interview with Jill Magnante.

Thor Challgren 13:17
I hope you enjoyed this recap episode. Hope you enjoyed the interview that I did with Jill. As always, I want to thank you very much for listening, and I'll catch you next time