Are Your Besties the Best Thing For You?

A month after my daughter’s high school graduation, I was sitting with an acquaintance outside a Starbucks, chatting about life now that we both had kids heading to college, making us both empty nesters.

I say this person was an “acquaintance,” though I guess I could also use the term friend. But there’s a specific reason why I hesitate to refer to them that way.

Yes, we had known each other for three years. We’d texted and spoken on the phone many times. We’d worked on projects together. We had a lot in common. We cared about many of the same things. We laughed, we vented, we shared stories about our kids. Sounds like a friend, right?

But sitting there together, sipping our iced mocha frappuccinos, there’s one thing I felt about our relationship.

This friendship would not last past August.

The reason why? Simple. Our friendship came from our shared dedication to a school booster group. And our kids were now heading to college. Meaning we really didn’t have a purpose to continue to hang out.

Now, we certainly could, if we wanted. But would we?

In many cases, parent friendships forged from school activities don’t stand the test of time. 

You spent all this time talking about the baseball team, the drama club, the swim team, the debate team, the cheer squad, etc. But how much time was spent talking about each other?

So if we’re evaluating the friendships we currently have, how do you judge what’s a good friendship?

You are the sum total of the five people closest to you

Success author Jim Rohn said you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. His message was simple: if you want to be successful -- however you define that -- look at the five people you spend the most time with.

This makes sense, intuitively.

If the people I spend the most time with are unhappy, there’s a good chance that’s how I’m going to feel too.

If I spend my time with positive, optimistic people, I’m probably going to feel that way myself. 

The people around you influence how you feel and who you become.

If you find yourself with time on your hands, and or perhaps you are “in between” friends, you might want to do your own friendship audit.

Do a “friendship audit” with these three questions

Maybe “audit” is too business-oriented a word. I certainly don’t mean it that way. But you are in fact applying an analysis to that friendship based on certain criteria. So audit it is.

Let me also be SUPER CLEAR. I’m NOT suggesting you judge this particular person. You are looking at the relationship. It’s a two-way street. You both bring qualities to the friendship. You are both responsible for the general tenor and quality of the friendship.

With that said, here’s how you go about this. 

Start with the five people you spend the most time with.

For now, I’m going to suggest you not include your spouse or significant other, or any other kids you may still have at home. Just look at your five closest friends, based on the time you spend together. Thinking of them one at a time, ask yourself three questions.

Begin each question with this phrase: “On balance, I usually…” 

You say “on balance” because you want to get the average of that relationship. Not the highs or lows, but the median. So “On balance, do I usually…”

Here are the three questions…

1. On balance, do I usually feel SUPPORTED by this person?

2. On balance, do I usually have FUN with this person?

3. On balance, do I usually feel INSPIRED by this person?

Let me elaborate a little more on each of these:

On balance, do you usually feel SUPPORTED by this person? 

• Is this person a good listener? 

• Do they cheer you up (while at the same time keeping it real)?

• Do you find it easy to talk with them? 

• Do you feel better about yourself around them? 

On balance, do you usually HAVE FUN with this person? 

• Do you do fun things with them? 

• Do they have fun creative ideas? 

• Do you move outside your comfort zone when you’re with them? 

• Do they bring out the best in you?

On balance, do you usually FEEL INSPIRED by this person? 

• Do you admire what they’ve done? 

• Are they a good example for you? 

• Are they going in the same direction you are? 

• While not perfect, are they at least trying?

Should I use a scale of 1-10, with “10” being Oprah?

What method do you use in answering these questions? Well, you could use a numerical scale (1-5, or 1-10), but I don’t recommend that. Personally I don’t feel right assigning a number between 1 and 5 to my friends. I would instead look at this more qualitatively. 

Here’s what I mean by that.

Let’s say you’re thinking about a friend named Carol. In evaluating your friendship with Carol using these questions, you might decide Carol isn’t a great listener, she is however fun, but she’s currently wallowing in a bit of self-pity, which tends to bring out that side in you.

So you might decide on balance, your friendship with Carol isn’t going to lift you up. In Jim Rohn’s “average of five people” model, your friendship with Carol would lower your hypothetical average.

Please note again I use the phrase, “your relationship with…”

This isn’t all poor Carol’s part. She might start a complaining fest over coffee, but if you join in, well, it takes two, right? 

So how do you handle a friendship with the Carols in your life?

Take responsibility for your own part of the relationship.

Rather than cast them off or just stop answering the texts, which I don’t recommend, I would first start by taking responsibility for the parts of the relationship you aren’t proud of.

If Carol tends to complain about things, or talk constantly about her disappointments, you might start by telling her you are trying to find more constructive and uplifting topics of conversation. If that curbs your collective tendency to end up in a bitch-fest, great.

If that doesn’t work, and Carol continues to act in a way that challenges your desire to be positive, that may then be the time where you start to transition the friendship to one where you see each other less frequently.

NEXT STEPS  

1. Begin to review your five closest friendships using the questions above. Remember when I say “close,” I’m talking about the time you spend with that person.

2. If there are aspects to a friendship that can be improved, do your best to steer things in a more uplifting direction.

3. If things don’t progress more positively, consider diminishing the time you spend with that person.

The really good news here is that if you find you have friends who are a resounding “YES!” to the three questions, you might want to look for ways to spend MORE time with them. 

I mean, who doesn't want to have a whole tribe of positive, fun and supportive friends?