The One Problem You Can’t Solve For Your College Student

“My brand-freaking-new computer doesn’t work.”

Wait, what? Did I hear my daughter correctly? She had just gone to get buy herself a new laptop computer after five years of using the same 12” Macbook model. Did I hear her right?

“I said, the computer doesn’t work!”

Okay, yes, I did hear correctly. One hour post-unboxing, she had a very fancy brick.

Here’s how that went down…

Based on my recommendation, she decided to buy a brand new 13” Macbook Pro model with the M1 chip. I’ve had the Macbook Air version of this laptop for two months, and I love it. 

She had been strategizing over the best time to buy her computer.

When she was home over Christmas break, she looked at locations like the Apple Store or Best Buy that might have her model in stock and available for pickup. But she ran out of time before her return to college, so she put off the purchase till then. 

When classes near their start date, she put the pedal to the metal on replacing her increasingly slow computer.

She found one at a nearby Apple Store. She got in the car and drove down to pick it up. 

Per her excited texts, the pickup process was easy. When she got home, she sent me a picture of the box, just prior to opening. I don’t think she did a box-opening video, but I imagine if she had, she would’ve been ooooing and aaahing at her gleaming new computer.

She turned it on, and prepared herself for the startup process.

And then nothing happened.

Like really nothing. The screen seemed to be stuck on a notification text about “accessibility” mode. She tried to use the trackpad to click on the window to advance the screen, to do anything. But nothing happened.

All that excitement energy of “I got a brand new computer” was very quickly converting to frustration energy, and from there, to very-pissed-off energy.

A brand new MacBook Pro doesn’t work?

Really, Apple?

It was somewhere around this time that I got the call. The “what do I do?” call.

I could hear the frustration in her voice. I felt bad. 

She had driven an hour roundtrip to pick up the computer -- IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC, no less -- so I get that a non-functioning laptop would be a big freaking frustration.

As an empty nester parent, I live for moments like this

I SO want to solve problems like this. I feel like Clark Kent, just waiting for someone to need help, so that I could dash through a deserted alleyway and pull back my shirt and tie, revealing my Superman costume. More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s--

SUPER PARENT!

Yes, I knew in that moment I could absolutely solve this problem. I was born for this moment. I’m a whiz at computers! I knew who to call and what to do. Man, this would feel SO good to be the hero here!

And yet, there was a part of me that knew I shouldn’t. Which is my point today:

We must resist the temptation to solve our college student’s problems

Several years ago, I heard some parenting advice I wished I’d known from the start. This advice was four magical words:

What do you think?

Any time your child asks you a question -- particularly a question about what they should do -- simply repy, “What do you think?”

If they have any kind of decision to make, ask them to first give you possible solutions.

The idea is that rather than telling them what to do, you are instead building up their ability to make good choices on their own. You’re building their confidence that they know what to do.

Two things can happen when you ask them what they think

One is they come up with an answer you would’ve given them in the first place. In this case, you can affirm they made a good decision. It makes them feel good, and it strengthens their belief they are capable of making good decisions.

The other possible consequence is they come up with an answer you don't agree with or, more crucially, might cause problems. 

In this case, you could respond with, “Huh, that’s a possibility. What do you think would happen if you did that?” Basically, you are asking them to consider the implications. 

If they actually do realize what would happen, and they change their mind, great. If not, you might guide them gently toward seeing how things play out. Even still, you are engaging their reasoning ability, and giving them confidence to eventually make the decision for themselves.

Now this may not always work. 

Yes, there may be times you just have to give them the answer.

You may also find early on they will become aware of your little trick. About the tenth time you say, “What do you think?”, you’ll probably hear back, “You always say that!!” To which you can respond, “That’s because I believe in your ability to make the right decision.” 

And of course, after a while, they will probably stop asking your opinion -- because they will automatically start making their own decisions. Win win!

So back to our little MacBook Pro dilemma…

To reset, I’m on the phone with my daughter. She’s just told me her brand new computer, the one she drove an hour to pickup, doesn’t work. 

What do I say? I know what I wanted to say. “Call AppleCare and ask them.”

But did I say that?

Well, yes, I must admit, I did. [HANGS HEAD]

And then I remembered my own advice.

I simply affirmed that I knew you could handle it and the situation would work out. I think I added how when I find myself in situations like this, I ask nicely and insist firmly. 

For example, if they told me I couldn’t return it that day, and that I’d have to make an appointment (grrr), I would nicely insist I would really like to get this resolved today, and could they pleeeease help me in making that happen.

That was as far as I went. I didn’t make the call myself. I didn’t do it for her. I simply affirmed my confidence that it would work out, and I let her know I was there to answer any questions she might have.

And guess who got a new replacement computer that very same day?

That’s right. My daughter.

NEXT STEPS

1. Count the number of times you find yourself giving advice, or otherwise telling them how to do something.  In the next seven days you find yourself giving advice to your adult student. For now, just keep the running count to yourself. 

(By the way, did you notice I used the word “adult”? Because even if they aren’t yet 18 years old, they have made the decision to leave your house, so with that decision, you should begin to affirm they are an adult.)

Now, having read this piece, you may catch yourself. You may find yourself asking, “What do you think?” But it’s definitely okay if you don’t. Because guess what, I didn’t at first either.

2. The second week, begin to interrupt the habit of offering advice, and instead, ask them what they think. Encourage them to solve the problem themselves. Affirm the confidence you have in their abilities.

Now I know this won’t be easy.

As I think back to the final months my daughter was at home, there were SO MANY advice giving opportunities. 

As her senior year wound down, there were exams to take, AP tests, papers to write, etc. And I most definitely felt it was my job to keep her on top of all that. 

But I tried my best not to. I tried to remind myself this was now her life.

And the sooner I allowed that to happen, the better for all of us.