Surviving The Hardest Day You'll Ever Face

The day is coming. You know it is. You’re counting down the days in your head. There’s nothing you can do to stop time, short of having a time-traveling DeLorean.

Yes, your high school senior is going to college, and there will be a day, very soon, where drop them off at school, say goodbye and then you leave. 

That’s the day you officially become an empty nester

From the day you drop them off until you see them again later in the fall may be the longest time you’ve ever been apart.

Remember that week they went to camp? Or the two weeks they spent with your parents? That’s nothing compared to what you are about to experience. 

When you drop them off in late August or early September, chances are you won’t see them again for three months -- at Thanksgiving, most likely, unless you live closer.

Are you mentally prepared to be away from them this long?

All of this may weigh on your mind the day you drop them off.

Up until then, you’ll probably survive on the adrenaline it takes to get them to move-in day. 

There’s the final month of goodbyes to friends and family at home. Followed by the packing. And more packing. Then the drive or flight to school. The initial scouting trip to the dorm. The trips to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (I said trips with an “s”.) The race to get the room set up. It’s an exciting time because you’re doing stuff. Lots of stuff.

Yes, you’ll be so busy getting things done, you won’t have time to think. Until you do, and then it hits you.

I know it did me.

That afternoon in the student union, when I was told unexpectedly she was going to say goodbye now. That hit me harder than anything I’d ever experienced.

After college move-in day comes… “Bye.”

I wasn’t ready for the pain of dropping off my college student, but you can be

Looking back on that experience, I wish I had been better prepared. I wish I knew then what I know now, which is this:

You have to build yourself up before college drop-off day

In his book Can’t Hurt Me, author David Goggins talks about what he calls his “cookie jar.”

As a Navy Seal and ultramarathon competitor, David regularly competed in endurance races of 100+ miles that would push him beyond the perceived limits of his physical and mental abilities.

Often, the only thing that got Goggins to push through pain and self-doubt and stave off defeat was what he called his “cookie jar.”

He recounted how, as a child, he was allowed to get cookies out of a jar as a reward. Now as an adult, he sees the cookie jar as the tool he uses to push through pain. Quoting David:

“Whenever you feel down, you need to go down in the cookie jar and remember who you really are. You are not the weak person your mind may be trying to tell you, you are the person that has survived tough times in the past. You are your achievements. By going into the cookie jar, you can turn fear on itself and harness it for strength.”

The key for David -- and the lesson for us -- is to prepare IN ADVANCE for the challenge you know is coming. Fill up your own cookie jar so that when you need strength, you can instantly recall what’s in your cookie jar, and grab out the sustenance to get you through that moment.

As an empty nester parent, your “cookie jar” is filled with your life successes

Once Goggins developed this mental tool, he could begin a race with the confidence of knowing that when times got tough, as they would, he could tap into the reserves of knowing what he was truly capable of. That knowledge would power him through the pain. We can use the same concept as empty nesters.

There will come a day when you feel a sense of profound emptiness.

Chances are, that will happen on the day you drop off your college student. You will hug them, say goodbye, hug them again, and then it will hit you.

What you do next makes all the difference in surviving this moment.

You can do what I did on the day I dropped off my student. You can be swallowed up by that pain, by that sadness, by that emptiness.

And a certain amount of that is okay. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel your feelings. That is healthy. But there’s a difference between being sad and feeling gutted and not knowing how to move forward.

If I were in that same situation today, I would tap into my own cookie jar. I would remind myself who I am, what I’ve accomplished, and what I still have yet to do. But before you can do that, you have to create your cookie jar. You have to create your own bank of memories and stories that reinforce your resilience and potential.

Create your own cookie jar

Create a list of experiences in your life that serve to remind you of what you are capable of. How do you do this?

1. For one week, spend time each morning journaling about your life. Use this writing prompt:

“One time that I overcame a challenge was ____________.”
“What I learned about myself was ____________.”

“This proves that I can ___________.”

Don’t judge what you write. Just spend 5-10 minutes each morning writing on this subject. Do this for one week.

2. At week’s end, look back at what you wrote. Are there stories that feel good to you? Thinking of them now, do you experience similar feelings? Circle the most powerful stories you wrote down, the ones that make you feel great about yourself.

3. Finally, take an index card and create a “confirmation affirmation” with three of these stories. This can be a short sentence, one that’s easy to remember. Something like:

“I’m the man or woman who ___________ and it proves I can ________.”

I’ll give you an example from my own life. 

I once started a business where I created an interview series with prominent writers. This was WAY before podcasts, so it wasn’t an easy pitch. The product didn’t exist, and I had no real credentials to demonstrate I could do this. And I wanted to begin the series with an Academy-Award nominated writer. No small goal, right?

I had to begin by making that first call, to pitch myself and my idea to someone who could’ve easily said no. Fortunately he didn’t, and the business went on to be very successful.

So my confirmation affirmation might look like this:

“I’m the man who made the tough call. I proved I could create an entire business when I faced my fear and did it anyway.”

I would then put that feeling into my own “cookie jar.” So when times get tough -- like when I felt sad and empty after dropping off our daughter, I could get through that moment by restating that confirmation affirmation.

NEXT STEPS

Follow the three step process above, and begin a discovery journey to find your own stories of achievement and success, the kind of moments that you place in your own cookie jar.

Because before you know it, you’ll drop off your college student, and in that moment, you will become an empty nester. Start building yourself up now.