5 Ways To Stay Connected to Your College Student
Your child has moved on to college, and it’s been weeks or even months since you’ve seen them. You’ve begun to realize something that was abstract before, but now is very real:
OMG, they are an adult and they have their own life.
Yes, that’s right. They get to decide whatever they want to do, and you know what? Sometimes that may not involve you. They may do things they want.
So how do we, as empty nester parents, cope with this? Is there a way we can still stay in their life?
Well, of course there is. You’ll always be part of their life. You are their parent. And if you pay for college in some way, you’ll be part of their life for at least four years.
But you probably want that kind of relationship you’ve heard others talk about in mystical tones of reverence. You know the one. The kind of relationship that leads to parents saying of their adult children:
“It’s like we’re best friends now”
Yes, you definitely want that kind of relationship with your college student. The kind where you don’t fight or argue anymore, where you don’t feel needy in wanting to chat on the phone, where they are thrilled to see you’ve FaceTimed them. Where you can just hangout...like friends.
To be honest, I don’t know if that kind of relationship exists. Aside from on perfectly-curated feeds on Instagram.
I mean, maybe it does for some. But I also wonder if it’s similar to how friends post amazing pictures of their vacation. They didn’t really have that incredible experience. But they did get a picture that made it look like they did.
So is it really possible to stay involved in the life of your college student?
Yes. As long as you have reasonable expectations of what’s possible. I’ve put together five ways you can stay in the life of your college student. Before I get to those, let’s talk about some general guidelines for how to apply them.
1. Let go of expectations. The first point is to not place heavy expectations on whatever kind of relationship you have with them. Don’t build it up to something it may not be. You know the phrase, “it is what it is”? Let it be that. Let it just be what it is.
If your student agrees to do something with you, and then you’re all, “Oh my god, we’re gonna be besties forever!”, well, that’s not realistic. So start by having reasonable expectations. It will be what it is, until it’s not. Then it will be something different.
2. Remember they’re in college. You know why they’re in college, right? To make friends, go to parties, have fun, and maybe also go to class and get good grades. That’s why they are there. So while they may agree to do something with you, there could come a time where they can’t continue, because, gasp!, they’re in college! They may want to hang with you, but if it comes down to hanging out with you or studying for their mid-terms, they may choose school. Be fine with that.
Okay, with those expectations properly aligned, let’s get to activities.
5 Ways To Stay In The Life Of Your College Student
1. Play games together. Find a game you might like to play together, either live, or by taking turns. Many games have online or an app version where you can either play at the same time, or you each take a turn in your own time, then wait for the other player to take their turn.
Words with Friends is a fun Scrabble-type game where you alternate turns. The beauty of this is that you play when you have time, and they do likewise.
Alternatively, you may choose to play a game live at the same time. If you each have a physical board game or card deck, you can pick a time that works for both of you, then play via Zoom or FaceTime. Some online games allow you to play another opponent using the app at the same time as you are. So you could both be on iPads, playing, while FaceTiming chit chat during play.
2. Do something together. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do together? Well, now that you’re not together, why not do it? There are all sorts of things you could do together (but apart.) Learn a new skill like crocheting. Maybe learn to cook a specific kind of dish or cuisine.
You could also take on a fun research project, like exploring your family’s ancestry, or learning about the history of the town they’re now living in, or even their school.
And of course there’s always TV. Maybe you’re both fans of “The Bachelor.” If so, maybe Monday nights are reserved for a glass of rosé, “The Bachelor” and time to catch up. Or maybe there’s some new streaming show they love. I’ve found my daughter loved the show “New Girl.” I started watching it myself and loved it. Boom, something new we can talk about.
If TV’s not your thing, what about reading? Is there a book both of you would love to read? If so, start your own book club. Or ask your student if there’s a book they love that you haven’t read yet. You can read it at your own pace, then during your chats, talk with them about what you’re getting from reading it.
3. Plan a future event. Is there a big family event coming up, like a birthday party, anniversary or vacation? If so, ask them for their input. Maybe it’s a milestone party for your spouse. Or a family trip to Hawaii. Whatever is on their horizon, ask them for their thoughts and ideas. If you’re planning a surprise party event, it can be especially helpful to have a co-conspirator and planner not living at home.
4. Just share. If you have some project going on at home, share that with them one way, via Snapchat or text. Tell them about how it’s going, using pictures and videos. For example, if you’re doing a home renovation, share with them how it’s going.
You can also tell them what’s going on with family, pets, the neighborhood, your home town or their old school. Little bits of information like this will help them feel connected to life at home.
You might be thinking, okay fine. I’ll tell them about me. But I really want to know what’s going on with them. Fair enough. But you can’t expect them to reciprocate. They might. But if not, be content that the sharing may only be one way.
BONUS SHARE: You might even choose to write them physical letters. You know the kind with stamps on them? Everybody loves to get personal mail. Imagine how they’ll feel in the dorm or their apartment, when they open the mailbox and see a handwritten letter from you.
5. Visit their college town. Okay, this one I saved for last, because it has some risks. It’s risky because it has the highest danger level for expectations. As in, “we flew all this way to visit your college, and you can’t take the time to see us?” That’s not a good look. (Remember the caveat about expectations?)
But if you can visit their college town and be content just to see the place, then go for it. If you’re feeling especially confident, you might tell them you are visiting the school, and you understand they will probably be busy, so they shouldn’t feel obligated to hang with you.
(Can you really say that? Really?)
The benefit of doing this is it will give you a better perspective of where they’re living. The sites and places they tell you about the next four years will now be places you know personally.
And if they have time to grab coffee, you’d be okay with that too, naturally.
There you are. Five ways to stay connected to your college student. Who knows, if you try these out, maybe you really will be able to say you and your college student are besties.
