Kids Off At College? Time To Start Dating!
I recently wrote about all the things you can do now that you’re an empty nester and you have the house to yourself.
One of the most obvious things you can do is spend more time with the other person in the house. You know, your spouse.
It’s possible that over the last 18-20 years (or more), you’ve been focused on raising and providing for a family. But now that the family is out the door, it’s just the two of you again.
Remember who that other person is?
They’re the one you fell in love with a long time ago. You met each other. You dated. It got serious. You got married. You bought a house. You started a family. And then before you knew it, you’re here now. Back to square one.
For many empty nesters, this transition is one of the biggest challenges they’ll face. Rediscovering your spouse isn’t an easy thing to do.
It’s kind of like being a major league baseball pitcher and catcher who haven’t been on the field in 18 years.
It used to be that you guys had great chemistry together. The game was just the two of you playing pitch and catch. But then you added other players on the field. The game got complicated. And now it’s been a while since it was just the two of you. Pitching and catching. Well, it’s time to get back to that game.
It’s time to start dating your spouse again
Okay, so serious question. When was the last time you and your spouse went on a date? Has it been awhile?
Putting aside the whole layer of complication that comes from a family, unless you’re intentional about your relationship, it’s very easy to slide into boring routines and start feeling disconnected.
In fact, a University of Virginia study found that couples who go out together frequently have lower divorce rates and higher levels of happiness and commitment. And dating is way less expensive than divorce. Usually.
So if you’re ready to strengthen your relationship the fun way, find out how to use date nights to enhance your communications and tell your spouse how much you love them.
Make Date Night a Habit
You know how habits work, right? You vow to do something, then 21 days later you break your vow and the well-intended habit falls by the wayside. Lol.
But seriously, it doesn’t have to be that way. If you are truly committed to strengthening your relationship, making date night a weekly habit is one habit you should stick to.
Date Night Do’s and Don’ts
Plan ahead. Regard quality time with your spouse as a top priority. Find something else you can remove from your schedule if you need to free up a few hours a week for each other. Making arrangements in advance will give you something to look forward to and help you stay on track.
Pair off. If you still have other kids home, that responsibility can complicate date nights. But there are solutions. See if you can exchange babysitting services with another couple. If necessary, stay home, and meet up after the kids have gone to bed.
Reduce expenses. Dates don’t have to be expensive. Not every date night has to be an extravagant dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. Your outings can be affordable or free. Get creative. Order coffee and dessert instead of a full meal. Take a hike or browse around antique shops. Go on a picnic.
Manage stress. Date nights are especially important when minor irritations are dampening your sense of romance. Find date activities that lighten the mood. Dancing and laughing can reignite your passion. Consider taking lessons at your local Arthur Murray Dance Studio or parks and recreation department. Got to a comedy club.
Shift your thinking. Leaving the house doesn’t count if you’re still talking about your home-project-checklist, or which one of you is going to take the dog to the groomers. Concentrate on the love and friendship between you.
Share responsibility. You’re in this together. Take turns planning your dates. An occasional surprise will add to the fun. When it’s your spouse’s turn to plan the date, be a good sport and do what they want to do, within reason of course. If they want to grab tickets to UFC for your date, and you’re not a caged fighting fan, definitely speak up. But if your spouse’s plan is reasonable, try to be supportive.
Remember small gestures. Stay in the mood by treating each other with affection and respect throughout the week. Express your gratitude, share chores, and dress up a little.
Ideas for Date Nights
I shared a few examples above of things you can do on a date night. No doubt you have ideas yourself. Here are a few more general suggestions to guide your brainstorming.
Start a tradition. If you’re happy with a movie and brunch each Saturday morning, you can save your creativity for something else. Rituals can be nourishing and far from boring.
Mix it up. On the other hand, maybe you thrive on variety. Make a list of your individual and shared interests so you’ll have plenty of ideas for different activities. Keep an eye out for events that look interesting, and mark them on your calendar.
Accept a challenge. Tackling an ambitious project together can strengthen your communications and commitment. Sign up for a foreign language course or train for a 5K race.
Take a vacation. Use your time off from work to enjoy an extended date. Take a long weekend. Treat it like a second honeymoon.
Invite friends along. While you need time alone for just the two of you, you also want to integrate your relationship into the rest of your life and community. Double date with neighbors who you’ve wanted to get to know better.
Fulfill your purpose. The most meaningful dates may be the ones that allow you to share your spiritual beliefs and core values. Participate in a couple’s retreat or volunteer for a cause you both believe in.
Marriage takes work, but date nights can make your labors seem like play. Recapture the excitement you felt when you first met while nurturing the deeper intimacy you’ve been developing during your years together.
Regular dates will help you and your spouse to draw closer and stay in love. Who knows -- this person you haven’t spent much time with the last 18 year, they may just turn out to be a keeper!
