New Rules for When Your College Student Comes Home

It’s the day you’ve been waiting for. Your empty-nest is about to be temporarily repopulated, because your college student is coming home!

You haven’t seen them since perhaps winter break, so that’s been what, like 4-5 months? If you’re not used to being away from them this long, that can be tough.

[OBLIGATORY 2020-21 DISCLAIMER: okay sure, maybe they never left home this “school” year. Maybe their college “experience” was taking Zoom classes while laying on their Ralph Lauren comforter. But what I’m about to share APPLIES TO YOU TOO.]

But now they’re going to be back at home. Back under your roof. Back under your control. 

Oh wait, did I actually write that last sentence?

“Back under your control”?

That doesn’t sound good. That’s not what I meant to say. Back under your…, well, uh, under your....

Okay, maybe “control” is the word I meant to use, but it shouldn’t be. 

Because while they are back home, they are an adult now, so just like you shouldn’t try to control your spouse (right?), you shouldn’t try to control them.

Time for a new rule: their life is their life

Yes, they’ve just spent the last 9-10 months living their own life. As an adult. So the “rules” that used to apply to them as a child, well, those rules need to be replaced with a new understanding. One you have with each other.

To explore this new idea, and propose what the new rule might look like, I’m going to put on a new set of glasses. It’s a very special pair of glasses. Because it allows me to see the situation your way, their way, and also in between.

See It Your Way: Now that they are home, you want to know where they’re going and what they’re doing. If they’re going out late, and coming home whenever, you want to know. In fact, a curfew might be helpful. Also, you likely have lots of ideas about how they could do things better, right? Everything from jobs to relationships to health. It’s only natural you would want to share this with them. At the very least, it’ll make your life easier, as you won’t have to hear them complain about how everything sucks.

See It Their Way: They’ve just been off in college. They got to make like 98% of their daily decisions, and guess what? Most of those they made on their own. And since they are now back under your roof, it means they survived. Making their own choices. Figuring things out on their own. So they don’t need any “help” figuring out which party to go to or when to come home.

Meet In-Between: Let them know you are there to support them and provide assistance. And... and... (not “but) this is still your house, so you would like to establish some reasonable rules and expectations.

Set reasonable expectations

Let’s test this out, to see how these reasonable expectations might play out with a three real world examples.

1. Setting their schedule. When they were in high school, you may have had some hand in how they managed their time. You may have reminded them when they had to get up. When they had to get to work. How late they could stay out. For example, maybe they had to be home by, say, 1am. But now that they’re a college student, they’ve been used to setting their own schedule. Setting a curfew may not be practical. In general, you want to avoid trying to micromanage their time. 

Instead do this: Let them manage their own schedule. And be okay with the possibility they may not do it the way you would. As long as it doesn’t effect you, let it be. When it comes to something like staying out late, tell them you would like to know what their anticipated schedule is so that you can plan accordingly and not worry. Imagine they were a houseguest. You’d have no problem asking your houseguest to text you when they might be arriving. Do the same with your student. A simple courtesy text so you can turn off the “worry engine” and get to sleep.

2. Helping out at home. Should you give them chores, just like you may have done when they were in high school? This is a tough one. I mean, you probably wouldn’t ask your houseguest to take out the trash or clean the toilets, right? But it’s also not unreasonable to ask all the members of a house to contribute something to the proper functioning of the house. So at the very least, do not make chores conditional to receiving something in return, like an allowance. That means you also need to avoid pointing out that you pay their tuition at school, so “the least they could do” is take out the recycling once a week. In fact, try to avoid ever using the phrase, “the least you could do.”

Instead do this: If you feel it’s reasonable to ask household members to contribute to the well-being of the house, then frame your request that way. If everybody contributes something to the house, then ask them to be willing to make that some commitment.

3. Giving advice. When you were “raising” a child, a necessary part of your job was giving advice. Parenting is teaching. But there are different ways you can teach. Now that they are an adult (to the extent that adulthood comes at age 18), the “giving advice” part of the job is done. You can still “teach,” but now let it come through discovery. Let them discover the answers for themselves. Think of yourself as a guide, who is there to help in their journey of discovery.

Instead do this: Let them know you are available and open to helping them however you can. If they want to run questions by you, be a sounding board, you’re there. But avoid the passive aggressive form of “being available.” Don’t say things like, “I’m available to help you avoid the mistake you are clearly about to make.” You can hear the judgment in that, right? Don’t do that.

The bottom line is to remember they’ve begun to manage their own life. Like I said, they made it back home to you, so they must be doing something right. Instead of returning to a set of house rules that were appropriate for their high school life, adjust to the new reality, which is that you’ve raise a confident, capable, mature young adult.

Well done, you! Now let them be.