3 Reasons Why Your College Student May Be Ghosting You
If I asked you when was the last time your college student called home, you’d remember right?
Of course you would!
In fact, you could probably tell me exactly what you talked about.
Every empty nester parent knows what’s going on with their college student, right?
You know how they’re getting along with their roommate. You know which classes they like and which they don’t. You definitely hear how much they dislike campus food.
Yes, you know almost everything about their life at college, except maybe one topic: their social life. And that’s because what happens at college stays at college. They aren’t going to tell you all that stuff, so let it go.
Are you sitting around wondering, “Why won’t they call?”
But if you can’t remember the last time you spoke, or you feel like it’s been a while, it might be because...
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE ]
...they don’t call much. Which might lead you to think...
Is my college student ghosting me?
If this describes your situation, and probably every empty nester parent has dealt with this in their student’s college career, there may be reasons why they don’t call much.
And let me pause here to define “much.”
Expecting a call every single day might not be reasonable
Okay, there. I said it. You aren’t going to talk to them every day.
Yes, you talked every day at home, even if it was only to say “Have a good day” as they headed out the door, or to say “Good night” to their closed bedroom door at 11pm.
Of course you talked every day at home. They were AT HOME. They are not home anymore. They are in college.
If your college student doesn’t call as often as you’d like, there are three possible explanations:
Because they may feel judged when you do talk
Because it’s not a good time for them
Because they have a life
There’s one more reason, a fourth one, which I’ll touch on later.
But let’s look at each one of those and lay out why it’s reasonable from their POV.
1. Your college student may feel judged
If your conversations tend to result in your making “helpful observations,” then your college-student may feel judged by you, and frankly, who wants to feel judged? Nobody!
I say “helpful observations” because that’s how we parents see these things, right? We have all this life experience and wisdom to impart to our kids. What good is it if we don’t get to share it?
But to our college students, this can often sound like we’re being critical of them.
If they’re thinking about getting on the phone with us, but they know it’s gonna result in us telling them all the things they’re doing wrong, they’re not as likely to pick up the phone. They’ll ghost us.
How do you know if you’re doing this? After all, your intentions may be very good.
Think of it this way. You are judging if your responses begin with phrases like:
“Well, maybe if you would…”
“That wouldn’t be a problem if…”
“I never had that problem.”
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Rather than “giving advice” that can feel like judgments, you can do these things instead:
Just listen. Sometimes they want to just talk. They may not want their problems solved. They just want to know someone cares.
Offer unconditional support and encouragement. Be positive and reinforce your belief in their abilities.
Let them discover their own solutions. Yes, you may have SO MUCH wisdom that’s just dying to be shared, but keep it to yourself. Let them figure things out on their own. Instead of trying to solve their problems, tell them you know they can handle it.
2. Now’s not a good time
This one is simple. They may not call as much because, well, now’s not a good time.
Think about their life. They have classes. They have homework. They have coffee to drink. Maybe they have friends over. Or their roommate is trying to study.
There could be any number of reasons why it’s not a good time for them to pick up the phone and chat.
Here’s an easy way to think of it.
Picture one of your busiest days. One where you have meetings, obligations, people to call and places to go. On that kind of day, when your mind is racing to fit it all in, how likely are you to think…,
“I hope someone calls and wants to just chat about nothing at all for 30 minutes?”
If you’re honest, that’s not a prospect you would relish.
So having put yourself in their shoes, think about their life.
They are in school to (hopefully) get good grades and (probably) enjoy themselves. Those are their top priorities.
And oh by the way…
3. Your college student has a life now
This is the part that’s hardest for us, amiright?
For eighteen years they lived under our roof. They depended on us. They confided in us. They cried to us. They shared with us. And now, they’re off living their own life. Which is, honestly, what we always wanted for them.
Think of yourself as someone who hand built a Porsche
If you worked in the Porsche factory in Stuttgart, Germany, you had one job. Build this beautiful car.
Every day you’d come to work to hand build a car. You know what it was intended to do: explore, journey, enjoy.
All under 55 mph (okay, not really. More like 155 mph.)
And when your Porsche was finished, it would head off into the world
That car now has its own life.
And you, who helped design and build it, have your own life. Still in the factory. Making more Porsches. (Ah, here’s where the analogy clearly ends, because you might not be making any more Porsches, er, kids.)
Bottom line, those workers don’t sit around thinking, “I wonder what that Jet Black Cayenne S Coupe with the Slate Gray leather interior is up to? How come it never calls any more?”
Yup. That Porsche has a life, and so do our college students.
Let them find their own roads.
And finally, here’s that bonus reason why you thinking they’re ghosting you, but they’re not.
4. Your college student is happy
Yes, things are going well. Hooray!
They have good friends. They like their classes. The college experience is (mostly) what they dreamed of.
This is exactly what we wanted for them.
If so, that’s pretty good news right?
Just not the kind of news you call home about. And that’s okay. :)
