5 Ways (Non-Rosé) To Avoid Empty Nester Syndrome

Sending your child off to college was probably one of the most rewarding moments of your life. It was also likely one of the most heart breaking!

They became a college student and you became…an empty nester parent.

Knowing that the kids you've raised and loved, day in, day out for so many years are going out on their own can be difficult to deal with.

Even harder is the emptiness and loneliness you feel. The kind of emptiness that can only be filled with a 750ml bottle of Rose...

Wait, what am I saying? Absolutely do NOT fill your emptiness with Rosé wine.

We all love Rosé, but not as a sole coping mechanism.

I mean, not that I have anything against a glass of Dark Horse Rosé at 6pm with friends.

But if a glass (or bottle) is your sole coping mechanism, please read on (and more seriously, if you are really troubled about things please do seek guidance from actual professionals.) That said…

Here are five Rosé-free strategies to help you cope with becoming an empty nester parent.

1. Adopt a pet

We have a joke in our family that our sheltie Gracie is like the second daughter we never had. When our actual daughter went to school, we began to have “conversations” with Gracie. We might ask her, “Gracie, you think I should go outside for a walk?” We would then supply her reply, “Only if you take me with you, Thor!”

Of course we don’t actually think she’s talking with us. That would be, uh, crazy, right?

“And we’re not crazy, right Gracie?” Gracie?  “Arf!”

Yes, no doubt, having a dog around the house has certainly made our transition to empty nester-hood much easier. Animals make great companions.

Pets can't fill the void left by your college kids, but they can certainly invoke that sense of nurturing in you

Pets like to feel loved and cared for - just like your kids - so you'll likely find a sense of accomplishment by taking care of a new pet.

What kind of pet is right for you?

Well, if your college student is moody and aloof, a cat might be perfect! If your student loves nothing more than sitting on the sofa while you binge “Bridgerton,” consider a dog. Here are some other suggestions:

• Get a pet that you can take for walks or play with in the garden.

• Choose a pet that likes to interact so you can spend some enjoyable time training it.

• Opt for a pet that's common enough that you can share notes with other owners.

Now, I will say that adopting a pet isn’t always butterflies in Bali. It’s work. It’s a hassle. In fact, I almost titled this section, “ADOPT MY PET.” I keed, I keed. Gracie is great. Mostly. 

One last bonus: I can almost always use a texted picture of Gracie being cute as a way to elicit a response from my daughter about something.

You just knew I’d show you a picture of Gracie, right?

 2. Find a hobby

“Je m’appele Thor. Notre fille nous a quittés brusquement pour aller à l'université et maintenant je suis triste.” Translation: My name is Thor. Our daughter left us abruptly to go to college and now I am sad.

Yes, I know a little bit of French. Un petit peu, you might say. And that French now comes in handy when I want to describe the depths of my sadness using another language.

I didn’t always know French. I studied it in high school, but haha, does anyone really retain any of the language skills they “learned” in ninth grade? Certainement pas! (Certainly not!)

Which is why it was SO helpful to have our daughter leave for college. 

Because once she was gone, and I didn’t have to spend time on soccer, band, Girl Scouts, cheer and algebra, I had way more time for little ole me. Time for something like an actual hobby.

A hobby is a great way to put your mind on something other than thinking about your college student

Consider taking a class to learn new skills and try something that you’ve always wanted to do.

• Choose a hobby that you really like and would enjoy doing even if your kids were home.

• Make your choice something from which you can share tangible rewards with your kids.

To this latter point, one of the reasons I decided on French as a hobby was because my daughter is learning French in college. Now, I have something to chat with her about. We can have whole conversations in another language, and nobody will know what we’re saying!

This is a real incentive to learn more than 50 words.

The other incentive in having French as a hobby is that one day I want to spend extended time in Paris and the south of France.

I know they say the French hate when you try to speak their language and you’re terrible at it. I don’t care. I’m going to try anyway. If they don’t like my hobby French, “tant pis”  (too f***ing bad.)

 3. Volunteer

You know those teen movies where one of the teen girls wants to make her friend jealous, so she spends time with someone new?

She’ll be gushing about her new bestie, “I love my new friend. She’s the best. She’s amazing. I don’t know what I did before I met her. So this is what friendship REALLY feels like.”

You know what? You can totally do this with your college student! 

You can find a local outreach program in your community. Maybe it’s an afterschool program. Or a community center. Or maybe a sports program that needs volunteer refs.

Whatever it is, you can volunteer there, and then when you’re on the phone with your teen, you can be all, “Ohmygod, the kids I’m meeting here are SO amazing.”

And your teen will be all, wow, maybe I shouldn’t have gone to college. Now I’m missing mom.

And scene.

This little play has been for fun only. Please definitely do not take a role as a volunteer in order to make your college student jealous.

Why? Well, A) This kind of thing only works in “Mean Girls.” B) It’s mean. C) It’s not who you really are (hopefully.)

Volunteering is a great way to cope with the absence of your college student 

The fulfillment you'll get from reaching out and helping others is something that you'll feel proud of for a long time.

If there’s an activity you’ve been involved with in the past, and you enjoyed it, find out if they need volunteer help.

In my case, I trained to become an assistant referee back when my daughter was in AYSO soccer.

So yes, I actually know what “offside” means. You wouldn’t believe how many team parents yelled at me when they think I made a bad “offside” call (and yes, it is offside, not “offsides,” which is American football.) 

Anway, if I really enjoyed soccer a lot, I could find my old ref uniform, my whistle, and my yellow card, and boom! Instant volunteer fulfillment.

Is there a volunteer activity from your past you could return to?

4. Join (or start) a parents club

My daughter’s time in Girl Scouts was a great experience not only her, but for the parents as well. Whatever adventure the girls went on, you were sure to have the parents and other siblings there as well. 

We went to San Francisco for their bridging ceremony (across the Golden Gate, natch.)

We had extended weekend trips to Monterrey to see the aquarium, and Yosemite to marvel at the waterfalls.

We took an overnight train to the Grand Canyon and hiked to the bottom of the canyon. (Okay, honestly, we hiked in the direction of the bottom, but gimme a break, you try getting a good night sleep in an Amtrak reclining chair.)

We even went on a three-night cruise to Mexico with the girls. This was their choice as a fond adieu to their scouting experience.

It was on this cruise, sitting out by the pool at night, beers in hand (parents, that is), where we realized we would miss hanging out with each other. We adored the girls, of course. But we really loved hanging out with each other.

And now, with the girls heading off to start their lives, what were we going to do?

Start a parent’s group

This group could consist of parents who got to know each other from your students' various activities.

Maybe the other football parents. Or your band booster group was especially tight. Or in our case, Girl Scouts.

Whatever group of parents you were close to, consider getting the band back together. Reach out by email or Facebook, and set up an initial morning coffee, or maybe an evening happy hour. 

Another approach is to look for ways to engage with other parents at your student’s college.

After all, who said that coping with the absence of your kids meant staying away from them? 

Knowing you can still be involved in the welfare of your kids is enough to ease the loneliness

Lots of colleges have programs for parents who want to get together to ensure the institution continues to cater to the best interest of the students, their kids.

Why not take a look at the college your kids are attending to find something like that? That way, you'll still be able to parent, albeit from a distance!

With this last one, definitely play it cool with your kids.

The last thing you probably want is them thinking you’re using this as an opportunity to hover back into their life (even though you might be.)

 5. Get reacquainted with your spouse

Okay, you gotta trust me on this. I didn’t save this one for last because I meant to imply it was a break-the-glass-in-case-of-emergency kind of option. Not at all!

And definitely do not tell my wife that it’s #5 of 5 on the list.

But you know what? It’s natural that you may have grown a bit “accustomed” to your spouse. 

Don’t know what to do? Go on a picnic with your empty nester spouse and your adopted pet!

After all, for the last 18+ years, you guys have been on a mission.

First you had to make the kid. Then you had to raise the kid, and those first years weren’t easy.

Then you had to get them through school and figure out how to avoid exposing your math illiteracy when they needed homework help.

You got them through their awkward pre-teen years, their bitchy teen years, and now they’re out the door.

And the whole time, one or more of you had to earn a living to actually pay for the kid. 

So yes, it’s okay if you maybe haven’t spent as much time together as you’d like.

I mean, it’s not like the person sleeping next to you at night is a stranger, but, you might look at this opportunity to start to date each other all over again.

Take advantage of your extra time to get to know your spouse all over again

Spend time with them remembering when you were falling in love with each other.

Enjoy cherished memories and make some new ones together, if you know what I mean.

It's normal for you to feel lonely when your kids are away at college. What's important, though, is not letting the loneliness get the better of you.

Use these tips to get involved and be proactive in the exciting stage of life beyond child-rearing.